Life Options

So I sit here contemplating what to write about on this blog that will help not only myself but my readers as well. I always seem to have some good advice and opinions, but when I want to actually put them to use myself, where are they? I am definitely someone who puts others in front of myself and I'm not sure that's always helpful for myself and my life, but it works. At least I think so.


I could give the best advice to someone, then be in the same situation and my advice doesn't seem to work, nor do I want to listen to it, or whatever the situation. Or I forget the advice all together. Why is that?


Growing up I always fought my point and still do. I was always told I would make a great attorney because I always fought my side of the story and my points were always to the end! Except I didn't want to go that... I didn't want to be THAT attorney who had to fight for someone who WAS guilty. I didn't want to be THAT attorney who had to fight the side of someone in a divorce who was clearly the cause of it. I didn't want to be THAT attorney who had to fight the side of someone who was clearly the abuser. I didn't want to be THAT attorney. So THAT wasn't an option.


I do feel I give good advice and am a great listener. I could have been a counselor of some sort. My thing with that is I am a very emotional person. I feel to be a great counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist, you have to be blank. You have to be able to build that wall up so that what you are hearing cannot affect your emotions at all. You cannot connect on an emotional or personal level.


I always loved writing. Lyrical poetry / song lyrics and short stories were my favorite. I have quite the collection. I would have always loved to be a song writer, the process to get your music out there is quite intense though. I never learned to write music, just lyrics. I would love to learn how to play the guitar or keyboard/piano just to be able to learn how to do so. I always loved singing growing up, but putting myself in front of a crowd to even speak just was not an option. I'm surprised I made it through school and classes that required such a thing!


I love photography. Being able to capture that moment, that look, that event was always a passion, and I dabbled in that a bit. I attended many weddings that were of people I did not know. As an emotional person, tears were shed as people who I never knew before this existed got married. They shared their special day with me. Loved it. Loved feeling like I was useful. I had a purpose and that was to capture their big day and make memories for them forever.


Then my symptoms got worse, and I could barely even pick up my camera. My interest lacked so bad to even care that I couldn't do it. Lupus took over what was left of me, of my body, of my brain. I am in constant pain, daily. So bad that it hurts to even exist. Treatment doesn't help me. It's almost like it's so bad that nothing can help. You know, when someone has stage 4 cancer, chemo has slight to no affect. It's like that. Nothing helps. I feel worse taking my medicine that not taking it. And no, not taking my medicine doesn't make me better because when I say I feel better not taking it, you don't understand my pain to start with is extreme.


On top of Lupus, I have fibromyalgia. Another disease that people want to say is "fake" definitely not. Lupus and fibromyalgia are as real as they get. Lupus is for real a silent killer. If you don't get diagnosed and treated in time, wow what it could be doing to your body is unbelievable. Not to mention, what it does to your body, it makes you feel uncontrollable about your emotions and feelings.


I literally feel like I am useless... I have no purpose of existence. I feel like a failure. I have no feeling of want, or care... I wake up in the morning because I have children and a husband, a family to care for. Care for as much as I can. It hurts so bad to feel like I am letting my family down. I am unable to work, I hurt so bad to be able to do a lot of stuff with them. I wish this wasn't chosen for my life path. Why me?

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